A Little Clarity-Seeking

Clarity

There’s light through the trees, but also plenty of shadows.

This blog has been quiet for about 6 months, but my journey has been anything but quiet. I took my healing offline. I had a few hiccups with food over the holidays and needed to focus on finding my spiritual center. It’s a process I haven’t been comfortable sharing here, until now.

The spiritual growth has been critical to my daily survival (not to sound overly dramatic). Since January, I’ve been working full-time on building my content marketing business, taking it from freelance to “career.” My husband is home with the kids, so I’m the main breadwinner. It has been working out beautifully, but the life change has naturally created a lot of stress. So have the growing pains associated with being an entrepreneur–ouch, ouch, ouch. (Talk about fear!)

I went into this life/career change knowing that if I don’t take a spiritual approach to how I live and work, I could be setting myself up for disaster. For me, it comes down to accepting that I’m not really in charge of what happens–that there’s only so much I can control.

Using the 12 steps as my guide, as well as lots of prayer, a little meditation, devotional books, a business coach, my LCSW, and support from likeminded friends (including 12-step fellows, key family members, and other entrepreneurs), I’ve made a lot of progress.

Once I became open to receiving help from the universe, help started to manifest.

But so did so many more questions and uncertainties and fears. Ironic, huh?

Always seeking answers, I’m learning something every day about what it takes to surrender control and take guidance from God. It’s a new way to think and behave, and it’s impacting everything in my life. It’s for the best–but I’m not going to say it hasn’t been painful. Why?

It’s Crazy-Making. It’s knocking me off my game. And that game was acting like I could somehow keep it all together if I just did enough. (See Running to Stand Still for more on this.) I think that accepting that there’s actually very few things I can control makes me feel crazy–at first, but maybe not forever. It’s not like flipping a switch. Transitioning my thought patterns from “I control this” to “There’s only so much I can do to influence the outcome of this situation and I need to ask God for guidance on those action steps” is a process. It’s also a practice that I need to practice every day!

I Feel Naked. By allowing myself to “let go and let God,” I’ve had to become humble and accept that I’m a human. Accepting human-ness sucks for someone who’s a perfectionist and fearful of making mistakes and being criticized. If that doesn’t have pain written all over it, I don’t know what does. I honestly feel like I’m standing alone and naked in a field….not a place of comfort. At least, not yet! I’ve been told that I need to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Well, that sucks! But if that’s what’s required to live a more full, less fearful, and more serene life–then fine! Off with the clothes and into the field.

I’m Exhausted. All of this spiritual work takes time and energy. For example, I’m writing this blog post instead of ticking client project deadlines off of my list. But–and here’s where I need a lot of faith–I’ve been told that shifting my energies, putting resources toward the things that fill me up and enable to me to be a more God-aligned person, will ultimately result in my feeling, well, more aligned. I’ve been feeling bad because I get home from work without much energy to give my husband and kids, but I’m practicing ways to shift my energies so everyone, including me, gets what they need. That might mean taking a few minutes to do a puzzle with the kids and/or take a hot bath…when all I really want to do is check-out.

So, that’s really just the tip of the iceberg. It’s all I’ve got for today, for now. But I need to address the “clarity” part in the title of this post. I have asked God for career clarity. I want to be doing my God Job. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but I’m willing to find out. I don’t think it’s marketing (cue a fresh set of fears!). I think I’m supposed to help people, probably women, with their personal health journeys–finding self-love and food sanity, for starters–but I just don’t know. And that’s OK. I’m open to receiving direction….and, God help me, I’m willing to do what it takes to follow my path. To take my journey where’s it’s meant to go.

Thanks for listening! 😉

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